our government is horrible. it's becoming a hitleristic society. just like Austria, we are voting it in. by having the government fix all our problems, instead of just sucking it up, we are losing our rights. taxpayers are now paying for abortion because it is now federaly funded. a man has been in prison for the past four and a half years based only on suspicion, there is no real proof to be found, but since habeus corpus no longer exists, they can hold onto him for as long as they want to. he has been taken to different locati0ns across america so many times, that it is nearly impossible for his family to keep track of him. back in the sixty's there was another man who didn't pay his income tax for twenty years, because the government was not opperating for his best interests. try and guess what happened to him
we got our warning a long time ago that if we did not obey the commandments of God, then we would lose our freedom. this is now starting to become reality. the important thing now is stay close to God. He will deliver us through our faith in the gospel. even if we die in this fight we will be going to a better place. i just hope that when my time comes i'll be able to look back and know without question that i made it back to my Heavenly Father.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
so yeah...
you see a lot of weird things when driving, just the other day there was a guy i saw driving on the wrong side of a median, it had two lanes, and i'm guessing he wasn't a utahn so i guess i can see the guys confusion, if he's not from the U S.
there was this other guy who was on the freeway that was using sign language and no one else was in the car, it was really strange to just sit there and watch him moving his hands around like that when he was driving, and then he almost side swipped me...
then today on the way back from sanequin, i got to witness the results of several car wrecks on the freeway, none of them where flipped over, but a lot of them where banged up pretty bad, we had a couple of our own close calls, and after seeing those wrecks i'm grateful to be living.
there was this other guy who was on the freeway that was using sign language and no one else was in the car, it was really strange to just sit there and watch him moving his hands around like that when he was driving, and then he almost side swipped me...
then today on the way back from sanequin, i got to witness the results of several car wrecks on the freeway, none of them where flipped over, but a lot of them where banged up pretty bad, we had a couple of our own close calls, and after seeing those wrecks i'm grateful to be living.
Monday, December 28, 2009
today's agenda
everyone is going crazy in my house today, we're going to have an early "New Year's Eve" party with my cousins form idaho, but they are leaving tomorrow, so that's why we are doing it today. had lots of time to do stuff this weekend. i finished the Book of Mormon for the twelfth time on sunday, which is something i'm pretty proud about doing, finished all my winter break homework, all except for the reading in english, but it's just a couple of chapters so that's just a cake walk.
i went sleding today. went down a hill that's over by lone tree, so it's nice and close to my house. we piled three people on one of those tiny platter shaped sleds, we didn't get very far, but it was still really fun.
basically had a disney movie fest today, just finished watching sleeping beauty, not quite what i would call a personal favorite, but i can apreciate the work that went into it all. back in the day, they drew and painted every frame for that style of movies. really amazing that someone would be devoted to doing a project like that, it took around five years or so, which totally blows my mind. i never would have lasted that long.
looks like a pillow fight is starting to develop over there... think i might go join them...
i went sleding today. went down a hill that's over by lone tree, so it's nice and close to my house. we piled three people on one of those tiny platter shaped sleds, we didn't get very far, but it was still really fun.
basically had a disney movie fest today, just finished watching sleeping beauty, not quite what i would call a personal favorite, but i can apreciate the work that went into it all. back in the day, they drew and painted every frame for that style of movies. really amazing that someone would be devoted to doing a project like that, it took around five years or so, which totally blows my mind. i never would have lasted that long.
looks like a pillow fight is starting to develop over there... think i might go join them...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
my cousins are coming over for the weekend, and it seems like my family saved all the work in the house for me for when i got home. siriously, as soon as i walked in the door, there was a list of twenty different things to do. and so while most everyone was in eating dinner i was cleaning the little girls room, then making their beds, vaccumning all the upstaris, putting doorknobs on, hanging picture frames, sweeping the porches, cleaning off the counters, etc.
yeah it's a big list. and yes i complain a lot.
but the rest of today was basically amazing!!!
only bad thing was when i had to leave
christmas was all right this year but it never really felt like christmas. it still doesn't and now it's over. hmmm... oh well
yeah it's a big list. and yes i complain a lot.
but the rest of today was basically amazing!!!
only bad thing was when i had to leave
christmas was all right this year but it never really felt like christmas. it still doesn't and now it's over. hmmm... oh well
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
the events of yesterday
i wrote it all down yesterday, but didn't put it on here till now.
...and my world is burning down.
i got into a "discussion" with my father and "discussed" certain aspects of my life, and now it looks like instead of what was going to happen in ten days is now not going to happen, and i don't know how much longer it is going to last.
everything is going down hill.
i'm only digging the hole deeper for me, in the end it will hurt even more.
life was some much more simple even two months ago, it was all just a flow of events, days passed by in a blur, but i was happy.
ever since i got home, i have felt like an emotional wreck. it's really quite pathetic. my sister turned on the "the Wasteland," from Children of Eden. it put me into tears in seconds. next on the play list was "the Spark of Creation," just remembering that night, it drives the knife in me deeper. i'm torturing myself by listening to "I'd Give it All For You," and "the World Was Dancing."
it's like i need to draw back in myself to stop from hurting so,
my mom just basically said i am gong to hell now, and my dad is saying he doesn't approve of me. I apparently can't be trusted with anything.
"Out of My League." this is how it's been the whole time.
i know my dad tries to joke around and stuff, that's just how he is. But when he's cracking jokes about things close to my heart, it really sets me off.
what was it that changed between now and six months ago? how can i change back, but i already know the answer, and it's not something i want to do... letting go...
for the first time, i don't want to sleep, because reality is better than my dreams. but i haven't really had a dream in a long time. it's just the nightmares... i don't wake up screaming, but only because i can't breathe. my heart has just been ripped apart. again and again, sleep is no longer a security, an escape route. it is everything but a sanctuary. a time to see it all torn apart in front of me. a time to witness the worst things inflicted on the ones i love most, i am slowly suffocating underneath.
music is my last line of defence, but event then on occasion, that doesn't serve well enough as a guardian for me. "Hey Soul Sister" is starting to fail, "Send Me On My Way" remains as a a bad reminder of better times. the most peace i have felt is from a few months ago on a porch swing hammock thingy, under the shade of the tallest house around. and her delicate fingers making their course through the long tangles of my hair.
good times come and go faster than before imagined. my depression is starting to kick back in. better memories begin to fade, leaving only an empty shell, a tortured shadow.
"shattered," the song i always succumb to. "i die each time."
"Illusions of the sunlight , and reflection of a life keep me waiting. love gone so long. and this day's ending, is the proof of time killing all the faith i know. knowing that faith is all i hold and i've lost who i a m and i can't understand, why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love without love gone wrong, lifeless works carry on, but i know all i know is that the end's beginning who i am from the start take me home to my heart, let me go, and i will run. i will not be silenced. all this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain. all is lost," who remains? when "this war's not over there's a light, there's the sun taking all the shattered ones to the place we belong, and his love conquer. and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken rejecting your love, without love gone wrong, lifeless works carry on, but i know all i know is that the end's beginning who i am from the start, take me home to my heart. let me go, and i will run. i will not be silenced all this time spent in vain. wasted years, wasted gain. all is lost, hope remains, when this war's not over. there's a light, there's" a Son "taking all the shattered ones to the place we belong and" His "love will conquer. yesterday i died, tomorrow's bleeding. fallen to your sunlight"
the two of us standing there, she's in my arms today, but right now it's ending. she is all that i'm holding, but right now it's ending. "now i'm hostage in my head with every word you said... someone leave a raft for me, the water's getting me... and i washed up on your shore barely alive."
the way i am choosing to interpret this, is that it took all this time to get where i am right now, but it is going to torture me. i ask is it worth it? and i know it is. going through anything is worth being able to see her smile light the world, because that's what it does for me.
this is what happens when i am left to my own thoughts. i create these pictures inside my head of my worst fears and then i choose to listen to sad depressing music, and then sit there and wallow in self pity. and wow is that pathetic. but i least i can writ down some of my troubled torrents of emotion.
i did not tell her that i love her today. and i do, desperately. i hope she knows that. where she goes is where i want to be.
"Leave out all the Rest," Linkin Park
"I'm in the Lord's hands," said Tom; "nothin' can go no furder than he let's it."
-"Uncle Tom's Cabin"
...and my world is burning down.
i got into a "discussion" with my father and "discussed" certain aspects of my life, and now it looks like instead of what was going to happen in ten days is now not going to happen, and i don't know how much longer it is going to last.
everything is going down hill.
i'm only digging the hole deeper for me, in the end it will hurt even more.
life was some much more simple even two months ago, it was all just a flow of events, days passed by in a blur, but i was happy.
ever since i got home, i have felt like an emotional wreck. it's really quite pathetic. my sister turned on the "the Wasteland," from Children of Eden. it put me into tears in seconds. next on the play list was "the Spark of Creation," just remembering that night, it drives the knife in me deeper. i'm torturing myself by listening to "I'd Give it All For You," and "the World Was Dancing."
it's like i need to draw back in myself to stop from hurting so,
my mom just basically said i am gong to hell now, and my dad is saying he doesn't approve of me. I apparently can't be trusted with anything.
"Out of My League." this is how it's been the whole time.
i know my dad tries to joke around and stuff, that's just how he is. But when he's cracking jokes about things close to my heart, it really sets me off.
what was it that changed between now and six months ago? how can i change back, but i already know the answer, and it's not something i want to do... letting go...
for the first time, i don't want to sleep, because reality is better than my dreams. but i haven't really had a dream in a long time. it's just the nightmares... i don't wake up screaming, but only because i can't breathe. my heart has just been ripped apart. again and again, sleep is no longer a security, an escape route. it is everything but a sanctuary. a time to see it all torn apart in front of me. a time to witness the worst things inflicted on the ones i love most, i am slowly suffocating underneath.
music is my last line of defence, but event then on occasion, that doesn't serve well enough as a guardian for me. "Hey Soul Sister" is starting to fail, "Send Me On My Way" remains as a a bad reminder of better times. the most peace i have felt is from a few months ago on a porch swing hammock thingy, under the shade of the tallest house around. and her delicate fingers making their course through the long tangles of my hair.
good times come and go faster than before imagined. my depression is starting to kick back in. better memories begin to fade, leaving only an empty shell, a tortured shadow.
"shattered," the song i always succumb to. "i die each time."
"Illusions of the sunlight , and reflection of a life keep me waiting. love gone so long. and this day's ending, is the proof of time killing all the faith i know. knowing that faith is all i hold and i've lost who i a m and i can't understand, why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love without love gone wrong, lifeless works carry on, but i know all i know is that the end's beginning who i am from the start take me home to my heart, let me go, and i will run. i will not be silenced. all this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain. all is lost," who remains? when "this war's not over there's a light, there's the sun taking all the shattered ones to the place we belong, and his love conquer. and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken rejecting your love, without love gone wrong, lifeless works carry on, but i know all i know is that the end's beginning who i am from the start, take me home to my heart. let me go, and i will run. i will not be silenced all this time spent in vain. wasted years, wasted gain. all is lost, hope remains, when this war's not over. there's a light, there's" a Son "taking all the shattered ones to the place we belong and" His "love will conquer. yesterday i died, tomorrow's bleeding. fallen to your sunlight"
the two of us standing there, she's in my arms today, but right now it's ending. she is all that i'm holding, but right now it's ending. "now i'm hostage in my head with every word you said... someone leave a raft for me, the water's getting me... and i washed up on your shore barely alive."
the way i am choosing to interpret this, is that it took all this time to get where i am right now, but it is going to torture me. i ask is it worth it? and i know it is. going through anything is worth being able to see her smile light the world, because that's what it does for me.
this is what happens when i am left to my own thoughts. i create these pictures inside my head of my worst fears and then i choose to listen to sad depressing music, and then sit there and wallow in self pity. and wow is that pathetic. but i least i can writ down some of my troubled torrents of emotion.
i did not tell her that i love her today. and i do, desperately. i hope she knows that. where she goes is where i want to be.
"Leave out all the Rest," Linkin Park
"I'm in the Lord's hands," said Tom; "nothin' can go no furder than he let's it."
-"Uncle Tom's Cabin"
Saturday, December 19, 2009
random thoughts
good luck is like a bonus from work, excpet it's from God
life is fairly unfair
we have a good government system, but it was meant to have great people in the positions, not just those searching for attention *cough hillary clinton
that lamp is a really weird green...
...so is the statue of liberty
life is fairly unfair
we have a good government system, but it was meant to have great people in the positions, not just those searching for attention *cough hillary clinton
that lamp is a really weird green...
...so is the statue of liberty
uncover your eyes
hurry home come back to me,
afraid, alone i can't see...
this strange darkness, covers the world,
lost and confused i sit and wait,
spinning too fast to focus one moment
head in hands, the darkness in me
no longer can see
creaping and haunting,
the black, dismal sea
my cure is found,
when you are beside me
no longer afraid,
no longer alone
i stand ready
to throw the stone
i can face the storm
but not on my own
afraid, alone i can't see...
this strange darkness, covers the world,
lost and confused i sit and wait,
spinning too fast to focus one moment
head in hands, the darkness in me
no longer can see
creaping and haunting,
the black, dismal sea
my cure is found,
when you are beside me
no longer afraid,
no longer alone
i stand ready
to throw the stone
i can face the storm
but not on my own
*songs of today*
vanilla twilight - owl city
out of my league - stephen speaks
hundred years - five for fighting
the gravel road - james newton howard
slow me down - emmy rossum
daybreak - snow patrol
"i found out there are two sides to every story...
well here's mine...
i can't live without you"
- the haddaways
"even if this love is tearing me apart.
i don't know how
i don't know why
but you're my angel in the night!"
- basshunter
a dragon, a tiger, fierce to behold,
she's a funny one, i'm not gong to lie about that, every time she crouches down i can't help but thinking of her as a vampire. bold, beautiful, graceful, elegant, exotic, audacious, enduring, poetic, flowing,
not one word can fully encompass the serenity, the charisma, nobility...
όμορφος, χάρισμα, αρχοντιά, απίστευτα τέλειο...
she's a funny one, i'm not gong to lie about that, every time she crouches down i can't help but thinking of her as a vampire. bold, beautiful, graceful, elegant, exotic, audacious, enduring, poetic, flowing,
not one word can fully encompass the serenity, the charisma, nobility...
όμορφος, χάρισμα, αρχοντιά, απίστευτα τέλειο...
so i have been sitting for hours now with nothing to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my freaking goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't want to sit here and read a book, or watch a movie, i want to get out of my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*DEEP breathes, DEEP sigh,
i'm still slightly angered at this current predicament...
somebody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's so much better, sorry just had to let some of it out
oh my freaking goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't want to sit here and read a book, or watch a movie, i want to get out of my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*DEEP breathes, DEEP sigh,
i'm still slightly angered at this current predicament...
somebody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's so much better, sorry just had to let some of it out
a running list of things
i started reading "Uncle Tom's Cabin" today
i started watching "Sahara" today
i started this "list" today...
yup...
i started watching "Sahara" today
i started this "list" today...
yup...
top ten things that make me happy
not really in order, just thrown together
1. socks. my favorite kind of clothes, especially when they're super soft and really thick and i can slide over the tile with them!
2.for whatever reason i really like eating frozen fruit, shrug, idk!
3.her smile:) the one that always brightens the room up like the sun!
4. a really good book that i can get into, and then not have to put down because it's the weekend
5. cooking food. not much else can really give me the same satisfaction as being able to cook an
awesome meal, and then sitting down and enjoying it!
6. ok half way done... whenever i learn something new and i can do it really well right off the bat
7. being able to just sit there and gaze into her eyes... nothing else compares...
8. when i can make a difference in someone elses life for the better.
9. trying to have a good attitude about the worst situations in life.
10. and of course, hanging out with my best friends!!!
1. socks. my favorite kind of clothes, especially when they're super soft and really thick and i can slide over the tile with them!
2.for whatever reason i really like eating frozen fruit, shrug, idk!
3.her smile:) the one that always brightens the room up like the sun!
4. a really good book that i can get into, and then not have to put down because it's the weekend
5. cooking food. not much else can really give me the same satisfaction as being able to cook an
awesome meal, and then sitting down and enjoying it!
6. ok half way done... whenever i learn something new and i can do it really well right off the bat
7. being able to just sit there and gaze into her eyes... nothing else compares...
8. when i can make a difference in someone elses life for the better.
9. trying to have a good attitude about the worst situations in life.
10. and of course, hanging out with my best friends!!!
Friday, December 18, 2009
the unfolding of events
today was better than most, got a good laugh out of fourth period today, lunch time was fun, teheheheh! wish it wouldn't have gone so fast though, grrrr. there's never enough time to do everything i want to do, but it was good while it lasted. i'm feeling pretty good about things, it's all starting to line up again, and yet, at the same time, it's incredibly confusing at how it's all getting back in order. *thoughtful pause*
...
...
this new sensation a numbness of sorts
there are so many things i want to know, but i don't know how to breatch the wall. i can't even figure out the types of questions to ask. surely you already know.
in too deep and i cannot let go,
hurts even more the longer i go,
i find all the comfort i ever could need,
already have planted a small little seed
whether it's in the sky, on land, or on sea,
as long as it always, forever can be
a ray of hope breaks through down to me
days full of sunshine for you, with me...
i can't let it end
i won't let you go,
i look at the bend
i'm selfish i know
i'll never be ready
with so far to go
the waves aren't steady
i can't let you go
whenever you dream
i'll be sure to go
gaze up in the sky
and watch from below
holding you close
breathe a deep sigh
c o 2 dose
the clouds flow by
i'm not sure i'm ready
to face it alone
i'm not very steady
turned face into stone
in too deep and i cannot let go,
hurts even more the longer i go,
i find all the comfort i ever could need,
already have planted a small little seed
whether it's in the sky, on land, or on sea,
as long as it always, forever can be
a ray of hope breaks through down to me
days full of sunshine for you, with me...
i can't let it end
i won't let you go,
i look at the bend
i'm selfish i know
i'll never be ready
with so far to go
the waves aren't steady
i can't let you go
whenever you dream
i'll be sure to go
gaze up in the sky
and watch from below
holding you close
breathe a deep sigh
c o 2 dose
the clouds flow by
i'm not sure i'm ready
to face it alone
i'm not very steady
turned face into stone
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
at the end of the day...
got home from choir performance, thought it went pretty good overall. messed up on the bells, but i was never that great with them anyways. got some awesome compliments though, got told a couple of times that i stole the show with some amazing stage presence (who knew?).
the performance was good but i felt dissapointed. he wasn't there... again. i'm like the left out child. my dad always went to levi's performances, when it was a play he went multiple times. but i can't remember the last time he ever even bothered showing up for any of my performances. ever since my first play in sixth grade, never there...
any time levi was in a performance, you could count on him to be there, even if he took off work to get there on time, but he can't do that for me.
he asked me about it when i got home, but i told him it was fine and then just moved on... what am i supposed to say to him? i feel like trash because he doesn't support me?
amy has given me more compliments than my dad ever has, and how long have i known her? it's like someone elses mom supports me and gives me more encouragement than my own father.
it's always been about levi, and i never get anything.
i stopped trying out for plays in eighth grade, because levi was always the star. he was the one you could be proud of for his performance. and i decided to work backstage, where i wouldn't look forward to the accolades and praise and then never get it from the one person i needed it from. back there it was my job not to get noticed. and so i shrunk back and never really got into acting again. in tenth grade, ms. nelsen said i had talent, but it was like going back through everything again. the person i wanted to hear it from would never be there to see it happen anyways so why try?
i still have never told my dad about that, it doesn't seem like he would care.
he tells me he loves me and stuff like that, but i can't ever get away with doing the stuff levi has ever done.
it's an all time low right now... today started off as one of the best in a long time, and then ended a little less than normal day.
it's getting harder and harder to maintain a positive outlook...
...time to move on with my life now, dwelling on it only makes it harder
the performance was good but i felt dissapointed. he wasn't there... again. i'm like the left out child. my dad always went to levi's performances, when it was a play he went multiple times. but i can't remember the last time he ever even bothered showing up for any of my performances. ever since my first play in sixth grade, never there...
any time levi was in a performance, you could count on him to be there, even if he took off work to get there on time, but he can't do that for me.
he asked me about it when i got home, but i told him it was fine and then just moved on... what am i supposed to say to him? i feel like trash because he doesn't support me?
amy has given me more compliments than my dad ever has, and how long have i known her? it's like someone elses mom supports me and gives me more encouragement than my own father.
it's always been about levi, and i never get anything.
i stopped trying out for plays in eighth grade, because levi was always the star. he was the one you could be proud of for his performance. and i decided to work backstage, where i wouldn't look forward to the accolades and praise and then never get it from the one person i needed it from. back there it was my job not to get noticed. and so i shrunk back and never really got into acting again. in tenth grade, ms. nelsen said i had talent, but it was like going back through everything again. the person i wanted to hear it from would never be there to see it happen anyways so why try?
i still have never told my dad about that, it doesn't seem like he would care.
he tells me he loves me and stuff like that, but i can't ever get away with doing the stuff levi has ever done.
it's an all time low right now... today started off as one of the best in a long time, and then ended a little less than normal day.
it's getting harder and harder to maintain a positive outlook...
...time to move on with my life now, dwelling on it only makes it harder
all about today... and just some other stuff thrown in...
i actually felt pretty good about today. i didn't feel like like i was going to break down. it was truly incredible. i felt happinness again. i laughed today. i smiled today. and that voice in the back of my head that is always trying to bring me down, it was silent today. yesterday however, that was not a good day. when i got home i was in a horrible mood, wishing for any person that just might happen to have the name of John *cough* to show his face somewhere, and then i would just rip into that kid
wow, i think i have anger issues... that's not good...oh well...
but i would still feel better about it. just because i would be able to get rid of at least one of my problems... but it would probably just make it worse, which is why i haven't done anything about this special child before. i really don't know how he is still alive, honestly truly... somebody needs to jump him... soon.
anyways on the happy note...
not really sure what i was going to say now...
i'm ready to ditch my required classes in school... but that's not what i was gong to say...
i don't know. tonight i have a concert and it's going to be totally awesome... ya...awesome...
i want to get out of my house. live somewhere else for a while. even if i was just living on the side of the mountain for a while it would be better than coming here every day.
i'm ready for some change, like moving somewhere else... like on the other side of this mountain... that would be nice...
i like winter, i don't get headaches. in the summer i do all the time and tylenol and ibuprofen don't work on me for some reason. the only way i can get rid of them is by drinking ice cold water... and then walk around with a bag of ice on my head... that's probably why i stay so warm in the winter. because i prefer to be in a colder climate, and so that's what my body gets used to. i am grateful for that... teheheh! sorry... hahaha.... *cough* just got a fit of laughter for a second there... hahaha, and it hasn't stopped yet...
...ok now i'm good...
anyways...
wow, i think i have anger issues... that's not good...oh well...
but i would still feel better about it. just because i would be able to get rid of at least one of my problems... but it would probably just make it worse, which is why i haven't done anything about this special child before. i really don't know how he is still alive, honestly truly... somebody needs to jump him... soon.
anyways on the happy note...
not really sure what i was going to say now...
i'm ready to ditch my required classes in school... but that's not what i was gong to say...
i don't know. tonight i have a concert and it's going to be totally awesome... ya...awesome...
i want to get out of my house. live somewhere else for a while. even if i was just living on the side of the mountain for a while it would be better than coming here every day.
i'm ready for some change, like moving somewhere else... like on the other side of this mountain... that would be nice...
i like winter, i don't get headaches. in the summer i do all the time and tylenol and ibuprofen don't work on me for some reason. the only way i can get rid of them is by drinking ice cold water... and then walk around with a bag of ice on my head... that's probably why i stay so warm in the winter. because i prefer to be in a colder climate, and so that's what my body gets used to. i am grateful for that... teheheh! sorry... hahaha.... *cough* just got a fit of laughter for a second there... hahaha, and it hasn't stopped yet...
...ok now i'm good...
anyways...
flowing aqueous
A wave smoothes down the corners, it refines the edges. It leaps down river to create a change, to make a difference.
It comes in different shapes, but all are useful. Rain pours down upon the ground and brings forth new life. It comes as snow, a soft white blanket to cover the world, providing many a small creature shelter from the cold night air. If it were not for the fact that water expands as it freezes, there wouldn’t be any life left alive during the freezing months of winter. The ice would sink and crush what lies beneath.
Water is preserving, of itself and that around it. It takes care of its surroundings
Water is a cleanser of mind and body. It refreshes and rejuvenates.
Water is a way for new beginnings. It is the universal solvent
She is water like unto a wave
It comes in different shapes, but all are useful. Rain pours down upon the ground and brings forth new life. It comes as snow, a soft white blanket to cover the world, providing many a small creature shelter from the cold night air. If it were not for the fact that water expands as it freezes, there wouldn’t be any life left alive during the freezing months of winter. The ice would sink and crush what lies beneath.
Water is preserving, of itself and that around it. It takes care of its surroundings
Water is a cleanser of mind and body. It refreshes and rejuvenates.
Water is a way for new beginnings. It is the universal solvent
She is water like unto a wave
Monday, December 14, 2009
a random assortment of things...
i like water. a lot.
music is wonderful. the ability to express feelings by putting it into words and then having a force of the true emotions behind it all.
hhmmm... i might finish this someday...
music is wonderful. the ability to express feelings by putting it into words and then having a force of the true emotions behind it all.
hhmmm... i might finish this someday...
pictures...
all of the pictures on this blog were taken by me. i thought they were pretty awesome so i decided to share them with anyone who cared to look. so what do you think?
a reason for it all
i just wanted to get events and feelings down on something somewhere, this seemed like a pretty good place to start.
first things first. aquamatangelo is a color. light brown of sorts. not sure on the spelling but that's what it is
psyche quintessence: the dictionary definition.
pysche means;
1.Classical Mythology. a personification of the soul, which in the form of a beautiful girl was loved by Eros.
2.(lowercase) the human soul, spirit, or mind.
3.(lowercase) Psychology, Psychoanalysis. the mental or psychological structure of a person, esp. as a motive force.
4.Neoplatonism. the second emanation of the One, regarded as a universal consciousness and as the animating principle of the world.
5.a female given name.
quintessence is;
1.the pure and concentrated essence of a substance.
2.the most perfect embodiment of something.
3.(in ancient and medieval philosophy) the fifth essence or element, ether, supposed to be the constituent matter of the heavenly bodies, the others being air, fire, earth, and water.
first things first. aquamatangelo is a color. light brown of sorts. not sure on the spelling but that's what it is
psyche quintessence: the dictionary definition.
pysche means;
1.Classical Mythology. a personification of the soul, which in the form of a beautiful girl was loved by Eros.
2.(lowercase) the human soul, spirit, or mind.
3.(lowercase) Psychology, Psychoanalysis. the mental or psychological structure of a person, esp. as a motive force.
4.Neoplatonism. the second emanation of the One, regarded as a universal consciousness and as the animating principle of the world.
5.a female given name.
quintessence is;
1.the pure and concentrated essence of a substance.
2.the most perfect embodiment of something.
3.(in ancient and medieval philosophy) the fifth essence or element, ether, supposed to be the constituent matter of the heavenly bodies, the others being air, fire, earth, and water.
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