the events of yesterday

i wrote it all down yesterday, but didn't put it on here till now.


...and my world is burning down.
i got into a "discussion" with my father and "discussed" certain aspects of my life, and now it looks like instead of what was going to happen in ten days is now not going to happen, and i don't know how much longer it is going to last.
everything is going down hill.

i'm only digging the hole deeper for me, in the end it will hurt even more.

life was some much more simple even two months ago, it was all just a flow of events, days passed by in a blur, but i was happy.
ever since i got home, i have felt like an emotional wreck. it's really quite pathetic. my sister turned on the "the Wasteland," from Children of Eden. it put me into tears in seconds. next on the play list was "the Spark of Creation," just remembering that night, it drives the knife in me deeper. i'm torturing myself by listening to "I'd Give it All For You," and "the World Was Dancing."
it's like i need to draw back in myself to stop from hurting so,

my mom just basically said i am gong to hell now, and my dad is saying he doesn't approve of me. I apparently can't be trusted with anything.

"Out of My League." this is how it's been the whole time.

i know my dad tries to joke around and stuff, that's just how he is. But when he's cracking jokes about things close to my heart, it really sets me off.

what was it that changed between now and six months ago? how can i change back, but i already know the answer, and it's not something i want to do... letting go...
for the first time, i don't want to sleep, because reality is better than my dreams. but i haven't really had a dream in a long time. it's just the nightmares... i don't wake up screaming, but only because i can't breathe. my heart has just been ripped apart. again and again, sleep is no longer a security, an escape route. it is everything but a sanctuary. a time to see it all torn apart in front of me. a time to witness the worst things inflicted on the ones i love most, i am slowly suffocating underneath.
music is my last line of defence, but event then on occasion, that doesn't serve well enough as a guardian for me. "Hey Soul Sister" is starting to fail, "Send Me On My Way" remains as a a bad reminder of better times. the most peace i have felt is from a few months ago on a porch swing hammock thingy, under the shade of the tallest house around. and her delicate fingers making their course through the long tangles of my hair.
good times come and go faster than before imagined. my depression is starting to kick back in. better memories begin to fade, leaving only an empty shell, a tortured shadow.
"shattered," the song i always succumb to. "i die each time."
"Illusions of the sunlight , and reflection of a life keep me waiting. love gone so long. and this day's ending, is the proof of time killing all the faith i know. knowing that faith is all i hold and i've lost who i a m and i can't understand, why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love without love gone wrong, lifeless works carry on, but i know all i know is that the end's beginning who i am from the start take me home to my heart, let me go, and i will run. i will not be silenced. all this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain. all is lost," who remains? when "this war's not over there's a light, there's the sun taking all the shattered ones to the place we belong, and his love conquer. and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken rejecting your love, without love gone wrong, lifeless works carry on, but i know all i know is that the end's beginning who i am from the start, take me home to my heart. let me go, and i will run. i will not be silenced all this time spent in vain. wasted years, wasted gain. all is lost, hope remains, when this war's not over. there's a light, there's" a Son "taking all the shattered ones to the place we belong and" His "love will conquer. yesterday i died, tomorrow's bleeding. fallen to your sunlight"

the two of us standing there, she's in my arms today, but right now it's ending. she is all that i'm holding, but right now it's ending. "now i'm hostage in my head with every word you said... someone leave a raft for me, the water's getting me... and i washed up on your shore barely alive."
the way i am choosing to interpret this, is that it took all this time to get where i am right now, but it is going to torture me. i ask is it worth it? and i know it is. going through anything is worth being able to see her smile light the world, because that's what it does for me.

this is what happens when i am left to my own thoughts. i create these pictures inside my head of my worst fears and then i choose to listen to sad depressing music, and then sit there and wallow in self pity. and wow is that pathetic. but i least i can writ down some of my troubled torrents of emotion.

i did not tell her that i love her today. and i do, desperately. i hope she knows that. where she goes is where i want to be.

"Leave out all the Rest," Linkin Park

"I'm in the Lord's hands," said Tom; "nothin' can go no furder than he let's it."
-"Uncle Tom's Cabin"