got home from choir performance, thought it went pretty good overall. messed up on the bells, but i was never that great with them anyways. got some awesome compliments though, got told a couple of times that i stole the show with some amazing stage presence (who knew?).
the performance was good but i felt dissapointed. he wasn't there... again. i'm like the left out child. my dad always went to levi's performances, when it was a play he went multiple times. but i can't remember the last time he ever even bothered showing up for any of my performances. ever since my first play in sixth grade, never there...
any time levi was in a performance, you could count on him to be there, even if he took off work to get there on time, but he can't do that for me.
he asked me about it when i got home, but i told him it was fine and then just moved on... what am i supposed to say to him? i feel like trash because he doesn't support me?
amy has given me more compliments than my dad ever has, and how long have i known her? it's like someone elses mom supports me and gives me more encouragement than my own father.
it's always been about levi, and i never get anything.
i stopped trying out for plays in eighth grade, because levi was always the star. he was the one you could be proud of for his performance. and i decided to work backstage, where i wouldn't look forward to the accolades and praise and then never get it from the one person i needed it from. back there it was my job not to get noticed. and so i shrunk back and never really got into acting again. in tenth grade, ms. nelsen said i had talent, but it was like going back through everything again. the person i wanted to hear it from would never be there to see it happen anyways so why try?
i still have never told my dad about that, it doesn't seem like he would care.
he tells me he loves me and stuff like that, but i can't ever get away with doing the stuff levi has ever done.
it's an all time low right now... today started off as one of the best in a long time, and then ended a little less than normal day.
it's getting harder and harder to maintain a positive outlook...
...time to move on with my life now, dwelling on it only makes it harder
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I'm sorry Josh. You are very talented. I know your dad loves you and it would probably do you well to tell him how you feel. Chances are he doesn't even really realize he is hurting you. I think that is just how it is with the oldest child because I know I get far more support than any of the other kids in my house too. I think its just because its their first and as the guinea pig, while you get a lot of the abuse, you also get a lot of attention.
ReplyDeletei did talk to him, and then he showed up at the social, you're probably right, you usually are
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